Don't
by weaver61
Summary: The first chapter is based on the song Don't! by Shania Twain. I didn't intend for this to grow. It has though. EO
1. Chapter 1

This is a song fic based on the song Don't! by Shania Twain.

I don't own the characters, I just borrow them.

Artist: Shania Twain

Title: Don't!

Don't.. don't you wish we tried

Do you feel what I feel inside

You know love is stronger than pride

Don't.. no don't

Let your anger grow

Just tell me what you need me to know

Please talk to me don't close the door

Cause I wanna hear you.. wanna be near you

Olivia POV

I can't reach him. He won't let me get close anymore, slams the proverbial door in my face. My pride is gone where he is concerned. I can't afford it now. All I can do is stand and take it, the anger, the hurt, everything she does to him he sends on to me. Why? All I can believe is that the real Elliot is in there somewhere. The good decent man I fell in love with six years ago, when it was safe. When he was married. Now, he has no anchor. Kathy took it all away and all I can do is wait.

Don't fight.. don't argue

Give me the chance to say that I'm sorry

Just let me love you

Don't turn me away.. don't tell me to go

Elliot POV

God what am I doing? Olivia ran out of the room today after something I said. I don't even remember what it was. Please Liv, I'm so sorry, please forgive me. I don't understand why I hurt you. The one person in this world I can count on and I'm destroying what we have.

Don't.. don't give up on trust

Don't give up on me.. on us

We could just hold on long enough

We can do it.. we'll get through it

Olivia POV

I trust you Elliot, but it is so hard. I'm so scared. You were the one person I could count on when it got tough. The one person who could stop my anger, my doubts. When my mother died, you were there. When Plummer forced me to shoot him you were there, and I did my damnedest to drive you away then. You waited me out, you trusted me. Now it's my turn to wait, my turn to be patient with you. We'll get through this El', I promise.

Don't fight.. don't argue

Just give me the chance to say that I'm sorry

Just let me love you

Don't turn me away.. don't tell me to go

Elliot POV

I have to see her, try to apologize for what I've done. I can't lose her too, she is all I have left. I have to hope that she will let me back in. I slammed the door, but if she locked it behind me… I don't know what I'll do. I have to say it, I have to know if she can forgive me. If we can repair what I have just spent the better part of six months destroying.

Don't pretend that it's ok

Things won't get better that way

And don't do something you might regret someday

Don't..

Olivia POV

He's here. He hasn't given up. I can't and won't pretend that we are ok. But I will listen. I will hope that this time I can reach him. That he can finally reach out to me.

Don't give up on me

Elliot POV

All I have left is hope, hope that you will listen to me. Hope that you haven't given up on me, on us. I knock on your door and pray that I still have a place in your life.

We can do it.. we'll get through it

Olivia POV

I open the door to see you standing there. I have never seen you hurting this much. Your eyes are filled with pain and all I want to do is take it from you. Take it into myself. But I have been doing that and it hasn't worked. So..

Don't fight.. don't argue

Just give me the chance to say that I'm sorry

Just let me love you

Don't turn me away.. don't tell me to go

Elliot POV

I can't believe you let me in. I can see the hurt in your eyes. Hurt that I used to be able to take away. But this time I'm the one who put it there. I'm the one who hurt you. You can only hurt the ones who love you and all I can do is say I'm sorry. You have every right to send me away, but please, don't.

Don't fight.. don't argue (Don't give up on me)

Give me the chance to say that I'm sorry (say that I'm sorry)

Just let me love you (Don't give up on me)

Don't turn me away.. don't tell me to go

Olivia POV

You're just standing there, I can see the fear in you. The fear that I will tell you to leave, that I no longer want to be your partner, your friend. Oh Elliot, what have we done to ourselves. I forgive you, how can I not. You taught me to forgive myself and if I blame you now I will be blaming me too. You are part of me Elliot, heart of my heart, beloved, and I am a part of you. How else could you hurt me so.

Don't fight.. don't argue

Give me the chance to say that I'm sorry

Just let me love you (don't give up on me)

Don't turn me away.. don't tell me to go

Elliot POV

You take my hand. You pull me inside and I follow you. There are tears running down you face but something besides grief is in your eyes. Hope. I know now why I hurt you. Hurting you was like hurting myself, and I have done enough of both. I reach out and catch one of your tears with my hand. It burns my skin. You take my hand and then I find myself in your arms. We stand there for a long time until I hear you sigh. I look at you as you turn your head to look at me. I see all of the things that I was afraid were gone. I was afraid for so long Olivia, I took your fear now you have taken mine. I have a lot of work to do, to repair the damage that I inflicted on us. But there is still an us.

Don't fight.. don't argue

Give me the chance to say that I'm sorry

Just let me love you (don't give up on me)

Don't turn me away.. don't tell me to go

Olivia POV

I hold him in my arms and I see some of the fear leave his eyes. It won't all go away, not for awhile, but now I have a chance, no now we have a chance. So I take that chance and give it voice at the same time he does.

"I love you."


	2. Chapter 2

I don't own any of the characters. I just borrow them. 

I didn't intend to go any furthur with this but...

Elliot

Somehow I find myself sitting on her couch, I haven't let go of her hand yet. I am still afraid that if I do she will run. I can't believe what I just said, what I just heard. It's not that I haven't known how I feel about her, it has been killing me for a couple of years now. I could never tell her though, I had a wife and Olivia would never consent to being the other woman in anyone's life. Now? I have no idea. I have no right to ask anything of her. But she said it too.

Olivia

Did we both just say what we did? We said it at the same time so I almost missed it. His voice was so quiet but I heard him. I got him over to the couch so we could be more comfortable. He has yet to let go of my hand. It's as though he is afraid that I will run away from him. He has lost so much this year, I'm not going anywhere El'. I can feel our old connection coming back. It's not the same though, how can it be. I touch his face and my hand comes to rest on his shoulder. The shoulder I have leaned on so many times in our lives.

Elliot

Neither of us has said anything else yet. It's as though the world has stopped for a bit. We have a little peace, a little time out of time, to put our lives back together. It won't be the same as it was before, how can it be? I have the feeling that it will be better.

Olivia

I can feel him settling back into himself, into me. I hate to break the silence, we have had so little peace between us. I will let it go a little longer and then we need to talk. I know what he wants now, he needs to say it though. Give it form and voice, give it life.

Elliot

Why didn't this happen sooner? How stupid can one man be? Very, when that man's name is Elliot Stabler. The silence between us has gone from anxious to comfortable. I take another chance and pull Olivia into my arms and she wraps her arms around me. I can feel my heartbeat slowing down, matching hers. I close my eyes and breathe in her scent. I have never really known it before, now I will never forget it.

Olivia

I have you now Elliot, let it go. I can hear your heartbeat slow down. God it is the most beautiful sound I have ever heard. Then, finally, you are relaxed enough to speak. The floor is yours El', whatever you want to say.


	3. Chapter 3

Elliot

"Olivia." I start, my voice breaking. Try again Elliot. "Olivia, I'm sorry." She just nods her encouragement waiting for me to go on. "I have no idea what I said earlier but if it was anything like what I've been saying I don't blame you for walking out." I take a deep breath and continue, "I've been doing to you what I do to every one I care about lately, I've pushed you away." She just shakes her head, "You can't push me away Elliot," is all she says. I look at her, "You can't deny that I've hurt you," I say to her.

The expression on her face is gentle, as though she is trying to take the sting out of what she will say. "Yes you have hurt me," she agrees. "I didn't say that, I said you couldn't push me away." She looks at me for a moment, "Elliot, when I tried to push you away how far did I get?"

I consider, "Not very, I wouldn't let you."

She nods, "Exactly, so why would I let you go?"

"Different circumstances," I try. I have to even though I'm dead in the water and I know it.

She just raises her eyebrow in the way she has, the one that tells you that she doesn't believe a single word you're saying.

I sigh, "Liv, I can't keep doing this. I just don't know how to stop." Then, before she can think of it, "And don't tell me to talk to George."

"Heaven forbid," she smiles. Then she gets serious, "You could try talking to me."

"Instead of at you," I agree. She nods her head and the expression on her face is that of a parent of a none too bright child who has finally gotten something through his stubborn head.

I think for awhile. All of the times I would explode in anger she would either go after me or wait until I calmed down. She was doing for me what I had done for her, waiting me out. Now what? "You know Liv, next time I act like a jerk call me on it," I tell her. I know she'll do it too.

"I'll warn Cragen first shall I?" she suggests. She is smiling now, this is what she was waiting to hear.

"Probably a good idea," I agree.

Olivia

Finally, he opened up. I didn't expect to hear him say those three words to me. Hell I didn't plan on saying them to him. Neither of us is ready to deal with them yet, maybe we never will be. Somehow I don't think so though. So he wants me to call him on his behavior now? I had better warn the captain, before the fireworks. The last thing I want is to have Cragen think that things have gotten worse between us. "So what next?" I ask Elliot.

Elliot shakes his head. "One day at a time Liv. I still have to get through the divorce." He sighs, "One more month and then it's over."

I nod, he and Kathy had finally accepted that things weren't going to change between them. That acceptance didn't make the divorce any easier though. Don't get me wrong, I like Kathy. I wish this could have been easier on both of them.

I take a chance, "What about the kids?"

He sighs, "The twins are definitely going to stay with Kathy, they're too young to stay with me. Shared custody though, I can see them whenever I want to."

Good, that had been his biggest fear. That Kathy would take his children away from him. "What about Kathleen?"

Elliot looks heavenward, "My second daughter is determined to live with me."

I chuckle, "Good."

He shakes his head, "I tried to talk her out of it, but she's stubborn."

"Sounds like someone I know," I agree.

"So you think it's a good idea? Liv one of the main reasons for the divorce was the job and the fact that I was 'never home'." Elliot sighs, "I know it was sort of an excuse, we grew apart from each other, but still."

"So, which of you is keeping the house in Queens?" I start.

"Kathy," he reminds me.

"Ok, so that means you have to find a place right?" I remind him.

"I'm going to look this weekend, I told Cragen I'm taking Friday off." First I heard of this, hmmm.

"Want help?" I offer.

"Sure, but we were talking about Kathleen," he reminds me.

True, ok logic time. "Where are you planning to look?"

"Somewhere close to work I imagine," he says. Ah yes, and men call women vague and disorganized.  
"Good, so if you are close to work that means Kathleen will be close also, right?" I remind him.

He gives me his look and I try not to smirk, I have him. "Right, however she will have to change schools for her senior year."

I shrug, "What's wrong with that? Her grades are good right?"

"Straight A's. Even with the crap going on at home." Elliot is so damn proud of his kids. Both Maureen who is in college at Hudson and Kathleen have really high GPA's. Lots better that his ever were. Of course the fact that he was going to night school for his BA might have had something to do with it. Tell him that though.

"So if she can handle that she should be able to handle a change of school, especially if she is the one who wants it," I argue.

"True," he agrees. I can tell he really wants her to live with him. He just doesn't want to hurt her.

"So we are looking for a two or three bedroom close to the precinct," I muse. "Tell you what, let me call a friend of mine and I'll see what she can come up with by Friday."

"Thanks," Elliot hugs me a little tighter. "I'd better get going, you have court tomorrow."

"What time is it?" I ask, I really don't want him to move.

"Midnight," he smiles. "I'll catch some sleep in the Crib."

I nod, normally I'd offer him the couch but right now is not a good time for that. "See you in the morning then," I tell him as he gets up to leave.

At the door he hugs me one more time and then he is gone.

I lock the door behind him. Well to everyone but him, when he hugged me that last time I slipped my extra set of keys into his pocket. I smile and head for bed.


	4. Chapter 4

They aren't mine. I just wish they were.

Elliot

I get to my car and reach into my pocket for my keys. What I pull out isn't a set of car keys and I smile. Her spare keys. I put them back in my pocket and pull out the correct ones this time and drive back to the precinct.

When I get up to the unit I check my desk for messages out of habit and then I glance at Cragen's office. It doesn't look like he's there, good. I don't need a lecture tonight. I head up the stairs and get ready for bed. I undress enough to be comfortable and lay down expecting to have a hard time falling asleep.

Next thing I know it's morning and Fin is waking me up.

"Hey, are you planning to get out of bed today?" Fin asks, concerned.

"Yeah, how late did I sleep?" I ask.

"It's almost 9. Olivia said to let you sleep for as long as I could." Fin still looks worried, I decide to reassure him.

"Thanks Fin," I smile a little and he relaxes. "What's up, besides me?"

Fin laughs, then seriously, "We've got a call to the hospital, 15 year old rape victim. Cragen thinks it might be the same guy that hit last month."

"Give me fifteen to get ready," I tell him.

"Hey I'm generous, I'll give you twenty." Fin smiles and heads downstairs and I head for the showers.

Later when we are in the car, "So are you and Liv getting back to normal?"

Normal, what's that? "As much as we are ever normal," I tell him.

"Good, John suggested we go for drinks tonight if life cooperates," Fin says as he pulls into the hospital lot.

"Sounds good to me, I'm going apartment hunting tomorrow," I tell him.

"Oh, that reminds me. Olivia said to give this to you." Fin hands me a business card. Olivia's realtor friend.

"Thanks Fin," I acknowledge. He nods and we walk into the ER.

Olivia

I walk into the squad room around seven. Cragen is already in his office so I decide to see him before I check on Elliot.

"Morning Cap," I greet as I stick my head in his office.

"Good morning Olivia," Cragen looks a little worried.

"What's wrong?" I ask.

"Elliot slept here again last night," he tells me.

"Yeah, I know." He waits for the rest, "We spent most of last night working things out and he didn't feel like the drive to Queens."

"Oh, are you two going to be alright?" he asks. He has been as worried as any of us.

"Yeah," I smile. "Oh, word of warning." He looks the question at me. "El' told me to start calling him on his attitude. So expect a few fireworks, when he gets out of line now."

Cragen laughs, "What did you say to him? No forget I asked that." He considers, "I thought he looked a lot more peaceful this morning. He's still sleeping by the by."

"Thanks, he needs it. I have court this morning," I remind him.

"Put the bastard away," he tells me.

"Will do," I assure him. "If you can let El' sleep for a bit longer, I'll tell Fin."

No, problem. John has court too though so if we get a call I'll have to send Elliot out with Fin," he tells me. I nod and go to talk to the detective in question.

I give Fin my friend's business card and tell him to give it to Elliot when he gets up. Fin nods and suggests we go out for drinks tonight and I agree. He promises to let Elliot sleep as long as he can. I look in on Elliot and he does look peaceful, then I head for court.

Elliot

It was actually a good day. We got a solid lead on our perp from his latest victim. Now all we have to do is find him. Well John and Fin can work on that tomorrow I have to apartment hunt. Then Casey walks into the bullpen.

"Congratulations" she announces. "Two guilty verdicts."

"Excellent," John agrees. "We're going for drinks tonight, care to join us?"

"Thanks, when?" she asks.

"Now Counselor," Cragen tells her. "I'm kicking this lot out the door."

We all get up at that, no one needs to be told twice. I grab my jacket and we all walk out together. O'Malley's is out usual haunt and we walk there.

Olivia and I walk together, following Fin and Casey. John and Cragen are behind us and we claim our usual table. Cragen has his usual club soda and the rest of us order a round of beer. The talk turns to my need for an apartment and to my surprise I find I only cringe a little and that is gone quickly. Only Olivia sees it and she isn't letting it stop her. She called her friend from court and set me up for the next day. I sigh, I am not looking forward to this. Except for my time in the Marines I have never been on my own. Well as Fin points out I won't be now either since Kathleen will be living with me. Why does everyone else seem to think this is such a good idea? How the hell am I supposed to be a single parent?

Olivia grins, "So Kathy can do it and you can't?"

I just glare at her, damn I hate it when she's right. Casey chuckles, "She has you there El'."

I give up, "Fine, but don't be surprised if she spends a lot of time in the house." As though that will discourage them.

The rest of the evening flies by, John and Cragen leave first. Then, "Hey Casey, do you need a ride?" Fin asks.

"Thanks Fin," and Casey and Fin are gone as well.

"Thanks for letting me sleep," I tell Olivia.

She smiles, "Your welcome, you look a lot better."

I shrug, it still hurts. Olivia takes my hand and offers her couch for the night but I decide to go to the house in Queens for the night. I need a change of clothes if I'm apartment hunting tomorrow. We part on the sidewalk outside and I watch her walk away. I'm still scared that one day she will leave me too, but I have to believe in something. 


	5. Chapter 5

Thanks to news for parrots for getting me going on this again. I forgot about it.

Olivia The evening went well, better than I hoped in fact. I'd go with him tomorrow but I have to work. Anyway he's better off on his own for this. Darlene will make sure he finds a place that he can afford and still have enough room for the kids. The sooner he gets out of that house the better he will feel. Kathleen wanting to live with him is a good thing. I talked to her today as well, she called me and I was still waiting to testify so I was able to make sure she was serious about the move.

"Benson," I answered when my phone rang.

"Hey, Olivia it's Kathleen." I heard a little hesitation in her voice, "Do you have a minute?"

"Sure, I'm waiting to testify and the last witness is taking longer than Casey thought."

"Oh, let me know if you have to run."

"What's up?" I asked when she still hesitated.

"Do you know how Dad feels about me living with him?" she asked.  
"Why?" Great, is he still giving her static?

"Well he doesn't seem like he really wants me to," she tells me.

"Kathleen, he is having a hard time with the idea of being a single parent to a teenaged girl," I told her.

"I really want to live with him 'Livia," she assures me.

"Are you and your mother having problems?" I asked. I don't want her running from her mother, I want her running to him.

"No, I just want to be with Dad." She considers her next words, "I know he'll probably be more strict with me than Mom, but I don't care. I get along better with him."

"You know that you might have to change schools?"

"Yes, but my grades are fine. I can deal with that," she says a little scorn in her voice.

I chuckle, "I hear those grades are a lot more than 'fine'."

"Has he been bragging again?" she laughs.

"Of course," I assure her. Straight A's this year? He has a right to brag.

"What do I do to convince him?" Kathleen asks.

"He knows what you want, does he know why?" I asked.

"You think I should spell it out for him?"

"Kathleen, right now he needs everything spelled out." I considered what to say next, "Tell him your reasons, he'll get his head around the idea." He will too, I may have to push a little but it will get in there.

"Thanks Olivia!"

"Your welcome," I tell her. "Oops I've got to go, they're calling me."

We had hung up and I had gone into the courtroom.

I had called Darlene afterward and told her what Elliot was looking for and where. At least two bedrooms and within walking distance of the precinct. She had assured me that she had a few places, two rentals and three for sale, that were in the area. I told her that he would be living with his teenaged daughter so security was also an issue. No problem she said. Hopefully Elliot will like something she has.

The next day at work I decide to do his paperwork when I finish my own and I get the stack down to something approaching reason.

"You're bored," Cragen comments when he sees me working Elliot's in-box. "Why don't you head out, you have enough overtime as it is."

"Twenty minutes and I'll be done with this," I tell him. Cragen nods and goes into his office. I finish what I was doing, grab my bag and hit the door.

Elliot Ok, this isn't as bad as I thought it would be. Darlene is good, she knows what she has and apparently Olivia gave her a heads up on what I need. Of course she told her Kathleen would be living with me. I sigh to myself, hopefully it won't be too bad.

"Well what do you think?" Darlene asks me as we look at the fourth place on her list.

"Not bad," I admit. This one is for sale not rent, but the price she quoted is in my range. I have to admit I like the idea of owning better anyway.

The rooms have high ceilings, it's an old building. Three bedrooms, and one and a half bath. A generous living room-dining area that is open to the kitchen. Now that is what has my attention, I happen to be a pretty good cook. The place needs a little fixing, but that is fine with me. A coat of paint on the walls and the floors need to be sanded down. The appliances need to be replaced, and so does the countertop. The cabinets are dark but solid so I figure I can strip and re-stain them. The building is ten blocks from the precinct. I could walk to work and leave the car for Kathleen. No doorman, but the building is secure with a video system in the lobby.

"I like it," I tell Darlene. "I would like to see the others though.

"Of course," and we head out to the others on her list.

At the end of the day I have to admit that my first choice is still the same. Darlene suggests a price to bid on it and I agree. To my surprise it is accepted immediately, fortunately we did a pre-qualify on a mortgage just in case and I have an approval in hand.

I call Olivia to tell her the news and find out she is already home, Cragen caught her doing my paperwork and kicked her out.

"Thanks," I tell her.

"Sure, what are you doing tonight?" she asks.

"I thought I would take Kathleen out to dinner, care to join us?" I offer.

"Not tonight, you need to settle things with her first."

"How about tomorrow then," I counter,

"Ok, why don't you come over around three and we'll figure out where."

I agree and we hang up. I wonder how long it will take us to deal with those three words we said. After the divorce for sure, but how long after I don't know. 


End file.
